Jane Volturi's Diary II
by hopesandpastdesires
Summary: You'll laugh, you'll cry, you may lose another 10lbs but who knows? Who cares? Follow Jane as she ventures through this fail we call life.
1. 19th April 2011

_Hi *awkward face*, y'know, sorry for the um... slight delay in this... but never mind! Let us rejoice once more as Jane returns with her diary full of fun and love and joy and happiness!_

_**Song:** Crystalised - The xx_

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><p><strong>19th April 2011<strong>

Dear Diary,

Has it been a year? It feels like it's only been a week. But that's just me.

Would you like an update on my life? Of course you would.

Well, I'm not with Santiago anymore because he's grown dreadlocks and I don't like them.

More to the point I don't like him either because he had a hissy fit yesterday when we were on a mission to track down some blithering idiot who thought it would be funny to run around manically in the middle of the day in New York, telling people he was a sparkly unicorn before saying LOL jk I'm actually a vampire and eating them.

Yeah.

So.

Well now we were on this mission and suddenly Felix thought it would be a lolfest to push Santiago into a lake. No one else found it amusing because it was Felix who pushed him. If it was a comical genius like moi who had pushed him in, it would have been the total LOL of the century. But no.

Santiago was all huffy and puffy and wet (whey) when Felix pushed him again. Then he completely and utterly lost his rag and started throwing trees about (you know, as you do, good job Darren and his fellow nerds weren't still alive else they'd just be on the floor in shock and disgrace).

"OH YOU HAVE REALLY TAKEN THE FINAL BISCUIT ON EARTH! YOU, SIR, ARE AN ABSOLUTE KNOB END. WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT?"

Felix' reply came in the form of a sniff.

He wiped his nose with the back of his hand (don't know the reason behind this), picked up his jacket and carried on walking with what he supposes is his 'swagger' but actually he just looks like he's had an accident.

Everyone watched him 'swag' off into the distance and no one even so much as laughed when his jeans fell down and he decided to carry on anyway with his Peppa Pig pants on display to the world.

When Felix was nothing but a mere dot everyone turned to look at Santiago.

"I think he's got the hump."

As usual everyone ignored Alec's pathetic pointing out of the obvious and carried on staring at Santiago.

Who was still huffing and puffing about.

"What is your problem man?" I asked in a Welsh accent for no particular reason.

"You know I don't like water."

"As a matter of fact I don't."

"Well you should."

"Well I didn't."

"Well SHUTUP."

"Oh Lordy! What's the matter with you?"

"I JUST TOLD YOU!"

Then he too picked up his jacket (I actually have no idea why everyone took their jackets off because it was raining and are body temperature doesn't change whatsoever) and stormed off.

All that remained was me and Alec and some fool who goes by the name of Demetri.

Who yawned and shrugged and (didn't pick up his jacket because he was actually wearing it) put his hands in his pockets and walked off whistling the theme tune to _Neighbours_.

"Is that it for you and Santiago then?" Alec asked.

"Meh. His dreadlocks look awful. You could say this is the final straw yes."

"Are you sad?"

"I dunno."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"Well I dunno, like I... guess so."

"Why?"

"What is this, Spanish Inquisition? Stop asking me questions!"

"Well I'm curious."

"Well I couldn't give the foggiest of fucks."

"Well..."

"Shutup."

I plonked myself down on the ground and started sulking. I didn't really care about Santiago anymore to be quite frank. Maybe I was just not changed at the right age to feel 'proper love'.

"Shall we just abandon this mission and jiggle on home?" Alec asked.

"Well that would be a fail because they'd all be wondering where we were and Caius will throw a hissy fit and possibly us around too."

"Who cares?"

"Me. I don't want to be the one responsible for breaking the new table that Aro cares so much about."

"It's got hippies and rainbows painted on it."

"And?"

"I'm just saying. It will give us an excuse to buy a new one."

"Fine..."

Then we went home and Caius did not have a hissy fit because he alarmingly had some 'business to see to' in his room.

Whether it involved purple metallic thongs or not I did not want to know.

I hope he isn't becoming a pornstar.

Santiago and company have not returned yet.

I'm not worried. They can look after themselves.

Actually I am quite worried because Aro has just come in to see me and Alec.

"Which one of yo' funky dawgs took ma hair straighteners?"

What the God damn hell.

"I have taken nothing from you Aro." I informed him.

"Well someone has and I will not rest until I find them."

"It might have been one of the hippies on your table." Alec suggested.

"Now I never even thought of that! You're a good kid."

He ruffled Alec's hair and winked at me before skipping out to talk to his hippy friends.

I'm worried about his future to say the least.

Well not really, jeez I don't care about people that much.

"D'you think that Aro will retire from being like, the leader? My hopes are pretty high. I think I'll be excellent as the leader. How hard can it possibly be? Burning a few vamps here and there, bossing people around, scaring people, I'm good at all of the above."

"I highly doubt anyone will vote for you Jane. No one likes you."

And with that my loving Care Bear of a brother left the room, stopping only to walk into the giant dreamcatcher that has mysteriously been hung on my door since I've been away.

Again, this is what my life has come to.

I think I may become a full-blown emo.

I'll whip out the black hair dye later, when I can be bothered to be depressed.

Ciao for now.

Jane.


	2. 30th June 2011

_Yeah sorry I couldn't be arsed to update this. _

_*Crowd boos and throws vegetables*_

_Oh, come on. I have no excuse other than my extreme laziness._

_But yeah, I wrote this so be grateful._

_Aw._

_I still love you._

_Kind of._

_LOL._

_Jk :')_

_**Song: **__'Xtatic Truth' - Crystal Fighters :)_

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><p><strong>30th June 2011<strong>

Dear Diary,

Yeah well I'm back at last.

Seriously, I bet you've like, shrivelled up in pain because I've been gone for so long.

You're probably all pruney now.

I don't actually know why.

That was kind of IRRELEPHANT.

So anyway. You're probably teetering on the edge of life wondering what happened when Santiago and co FINALLY returned aren't you?

I bet you think that they came back then ran off again to start a hippy convention and worship cows.

Or that they came home wearing shorts and sandals proudly telling everyone that they conquered Antartica.

To be fair, it wouldn't be hard to conquer Antartica because absolutely fucking no one lives there.

Apart from a few polar bears.

I mean penguins.

I don't even know. Or care, for that matter.

Well anyway. They came back and... that was it.

Oh come on Jane there must be something AWESOME that happened?

Absolutely not.

They just... came home.

And yes, my relationship status on Facebook has gone from 'in a relationship' to 'flying solo', if you must know.

Also my life has gone from 'dull' to 'duller than Coldplay's frontman doing a duet with Rolf Harris'.

Yes, that's how tragic it is.

So anyway, enough about other people. I'm more important.

I'm currently chillin' in ma room on my lonesome right now.

Well, as lonesome as you can get when you have some blithering fool called Alec rifling through your sock drawers.

Actually they might be my underwear drawers...

"HEY!"

"What?"

"WHY ARE YOU LOOKING THROUGH MY LINGERIE!"

"I am not... how dare you. I am not a pedophile."

"Why is my pink bra in your hand then?"

"Oh for fu... is it alright if I borrow it?"

What?

"What?"

"Actually it might be a bit small for me..."

"Shutup."

"Jus' sayin."

And with that my tranny brother started bending his knees and 'dancing' out of my room (bra in hand) singing some reggae song by some person with dreadlocks.

I was literally stunned.

And worried.

Is he doing some kind of double act with Caius now?

Like, when Grandad and his Grandson find some porn and feel the sudden overwhelming urge to wear a pink bra and leopard thongs?

Please don't tell me Alec owns a leopard thong.

That's disgusting.

I think I'd rather watch a Coldplay duet with Gary Barlow than this monstrosity.

Dear Lord.

Ciao.

J.

(Ohhhhhh yeah. I just called myself J. Whatchoo gonna do?)


End file.
